Popular emotion and behavioural change coach who is passionate about
helping couples and families navigate their path to wellness, fertility
and parenthood, has written an interesting article. It's a must read!
“I got married just after my NYSC at the age of twenty-six and
later got divorced by the time I turned thirty-seven last year. I was in
denial about my failing marriage because I wanted children
desperately.”
“My marriage to Peter was hell for me while it lasted and the
union did not produce any children. I have started dating again but I
only meet either married men who want a concubine or divorced men who
already have kids and do not want more”.
“Becoming a mother has always been one of my greatest desires. I
am thirty-nine years old now and approaching my fortieth birthday. I
have decided to go for artificial insemination or IVF through an
anonymous sperm donor, but I am also worried about the stigma of being a
single mother. Besides a few friends I opened up to about my plans to
use a donor sperm do not support the idea. I really long to have a child
of my own. Do you know anyone that has gone down that this path
before?” – Anne, from Lagos.
I got a chance to attend an event hosted by Lanre Olusola two weeks
ago. The thrust of the discussion was on single parenting, sexuality
and infertility, and a similar issue on the use of donor sperm was
raised. Also last weekend, Parah family Foundation, a nonprofit set up
to aid couples dealing with infertility held a programme where the
option of embryo freezing was discussed extensively as an option for
fertility treatment for matured singles.
There are a plethora of choices for women all over the world today,
with some opting for donor conception and choosing to become single
mothers by choice. This is a real modern dilemma facing women in their
mid-thirties who desire to start families of their own. More often than
not, some of us find ourselves single and childless at thirty-five.
Sometimes it’s not because we have focused on our career at the expense
of marriage, it’s just that life happened.
Ethical and social considerations for using a sperm donor
There are social and emotional implications of the infertility
treatment with assisted donor eggs, sperm and surrogacy. Opting to have a
baby via donor conception is a huge decision that throws up
soul-searching questions. The desire for a child through a sperm donor
creates a ‘not-yet-existing’ third party who cannot be a part of your
decision making process.
Critical elements that must be considered before opting for a sperm
donor should include a stable family environment in which the child
conceived with the use of assisted reproduction will be born into. The
best interest of the child should be considered first.
Most donors are anonymous and the implication of this is that the
child will never know his or her father’s identity. Before embarking on
the procedure, you need to understand the implications of the proposed
course of action for yourself, your family and for any child born as a
result.
Egg and embryo freezing
Egg or embryo freezing is fast becoming a trend with Embryo banking
offering the highest chance to have a future pregnancy even for
potentially sterilizing cancer treatment. In an IVF procedure, a woman
receives hormone treatments in order to stimulate egg maturation within
the ovaries. The eggs are then fertilized with sperm in a laboratory to
create embryos. These embryos are grown in the lab between a periods of
two to three days and eventually transferred into a woman’s uterus. A
woman also has the option of freezing the embryo for use at a late date.
“Egg freezing can cost between $10,000 to $12,000 for a single round of
cycle”.
Parenthood options
Alternatives to parenthood such as fostering and adoption can be
considered as a way of living a meaningful and fulfilled life. Egg or
Embryo freezing does not also guarantee fertility preservation, thus
resulting in a greater disappointment for either singles or married who
delay marriage and parenthood.
You will also be needing the support of family members and friends
to help you manage the decision making process on this journey. The help
of a professional coach or counsellor who has experience in working
with people dealing with infertility and fertility treatments will help
you deal with the accompanying emotional stress.
Are you merely seeking a child because it validates your identity
as a mother and completes you? We need to change the narrative that
pressurizes single women into life altering decisions such as marriage
and parenting. Understanding that your identity as a woman is separate
from your role as a wife and a mother is also paramount to your success
on this journey.
Success can also mean that not having children is accepted and/or
that you are enabled to see your childlessness from another perspective
which allows you to reshape your life and achieve satisfaction.
About the Author:
Ify is a life, emotions and behavioral change coach who is
passionate about helping couples and families navigate their path to
wellness, fertility and parenthood. Send your emails and enquiries to
her through fertilelifestyle@gmail.com.
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